Hypocrite?

I am having the hardest time getting this book read, Desiring God. It's not easy reading for me, and the book does not lend itself to reading straight through, putting a bookmark where you left off. Instead, I read a paragraph, re-read it b/c it might be difficult to understand or it puts a new twist on a way I've always thought. I find myself squinting to read the footnotes, usually excerpts from Jonathan Edwards (that takes forever). At least John Piper uses easier language. I frequently look up the verse Piper quotes to prove a point, to get the context of the verse. Often, I write the verse out on an index card. So I maybe get 1-2 pages read at a time!

This book is proving very meaningful to me. Today, in chapter 3, page 88, I read "True worship must include inward feelings that reflect the worth of God's glory. If this were not so, the word hypocrite would have no meaning. But there is such a thing as hypocrisy-going through outward motions (like singing, praying, giving, reciting) that signify affections of the heart that are not there. "This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me."

Whoa. I must come to a screeching halt and think about this. Obviously, it took me 2 days to read the last 4 pages. Jesus is talking to the Pharisees in Matt. 15:8,9, quoting from Isaiah 29:13. As I read each word, I knew this was talking about me. This is not a new revelation, but is being revisited by this book. I know I am a hypocrite. It's only by the grace of God that I survive. So often I try to conjure up the feelings Piper is talking about, by contemplating God's goodness to me. I make mental lists of what He's done for me, my blessings, etc. Often, it helps but does not produce the feelings I wish it would.

I wish I was reading this in the setting of a bible college. Where I could be in on a lively discussion between the professor and students (I'd mostly listen). I hope like everything that Piper discusses ways in this book that help me to arrive at this level of feeling. A couple weeks ago, I heard a sermon from him, saying how we must prepare our hearts for worship, and that it is a serious matter. I know this. I try. But sometimes it "doesn't take". There are so many distractions! It is a monumental task, to quiet my heart enough to feel connected, to take the time to "be still and know that He is God".

Even now, trying to write some of these thoughts, I get distracted and must pull my ADD mind back to the subject. There is a lot going on, as we'll be going to church this am, then driving to Peoria. I am naturally distracted. BUT...I've always got something that in my mind is a valid excuse, or reason that I am distracted. Everyday life distracts me!

I am going to go back, and re-read the last 2 pages. He records lots of verses that are meant to stir emotion towards God. These verses need to be written on my index cards. Maybe I'll get to page 90 by the end of the week...